Untitled by Stella Williams

Written sometime in the early 2000s

CW: underage drinking, obsession, violence, non consensual sex

Adair smiled from across the room, but it didn’t reach his eyes. For a moment everyone was silent before he just shook his head and started laughing. The whole room started then and I knew I had made a colossal mistake. I should have known better. I should have done this in private and not in front of practically the whole school. I forced a smile on my face even as I was dying inside. I laughed along with them. It was the only way to keep the tears at bay. I handed the mic back to Josh, the DJ, and quickly got down from the stage. People patted me on the back, congratulating me on such a hilarious joke. I’d always been kind of a prankster, and I was glad for that reputation for once. At least no one but I would know how truly humiliated I was seeing my best friend. The love of my life, making out with the most popular girl in school, all while I confessed my undying love to him.

I made my way through the crowd steeling myself for the extra twist in the knife. The only way I could save face now was to stick it out for the rest of the party. Worse I would have to go to him right now and laugh it off. For years, it had been whispered and rumored that we had something more than friendship between us, but we’d always laughed it off. He’d dated plenty over the years, and it wasn’t like I hadn’t gone on a few dates either.

“I knew you wouldn’t fall for it,” I said as happily as I could, and he laughed before pulling me into a quick hug.

“We’ll talk later.” He whispered in my ear before letting me go with a laugh.

“I know you too well.” He said loudly and shook his head before turning back to Andra and kissing her cheek.

He whispered something in her ear, and I knew exactly what he’d said by the spark in her eye. She smiled triumphantly and took his hand before guiding him to the stairs. Adair had the nerve to wink at me before following her to an empty room.

I couldn’t watch anymore, so I headed straight to the door. I would have made it if Don hadn’t grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into his arms.

“Dance with me.” He said, pulling me back into the crowd. He handed me a beer, and I downed it before falling into the rhythm. I got super drunk, and the next thing I knew, I was making out with Don in the kitchen pantry.

“Don stop,” I said and pushed away from him.

He sighed and took a step back.

“Still holding out, I see.” He laughed, and I smiled at him.

“Not holding out, just waiting for the right moment,” I said, and he chuckled.

“Right moment, my foot. I think you just enjoy being a dick tease.” He said, and I shook my head.

“Goodnight, Don,” I said and left him alone in the pantry.

The party was already winding down, so I headed for the door.

I noticed Adair’s car was gone, so I took off in a jog down the block towards the nearest bus stop. I got about halfway there before Don pulled up next to me.

“Get in. I’ll drive you home.” He said, and I sighed before getting in.

Don may be a jerk, but I knew he wouldn’t do anything stupid. We’d been good friends before I’d made the mistake of dating him. Our friendship had never quite gotten back to how it used to be. I mentally kicked myself for being so stupid. I could have ruined my friendship with Adair with my stupid stunt.

We rode in silence, and he kissed my hand before I got out of the car.

“See you tomorrow,” I said with a wave.

My parents had left the hall light on for me, and my mom had even left a glass of water by my bed. My parents were awesome. They trusted me to make my own decisions, and well, I hadn’t given them any real reason to worry about me, so it made sense. I was one of the few kids at the party tonight who hadn’t lied or snuck either out or in to go.

I  was just about to get undressed when I looked next door and saw that Adair’s bedroom light was on. I sighed and headed over to his place. The side door was unlocked, so I knew that he’d been waiting on me. I made my way up to his room and couldn’t help but smile seeing him passed out in bed. I shook my head before beginning to undress him, not in a sexual way but in the way I’d done countless times after he’d passed out from exhaustion after a game and a hard night partying. I stripped him to his boxers and tucked him into bed. I was just brushing a kiss across his forehead when he reached up and pulled me into bed with him.

“Leaving so soon.” He mumbled before kissing me. Not a gentle brush on the lips either, but a full-on kiss. I was stunned for a moment before I just relaxed into him and began to kiss him back. A small part of me knew that something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Not when this was something I’d dreamed about for years. He began to undress me, to touch me, and I was a goner. I didn’t even stop him when he positioned himself over me and slid inside. I enjoyed every minute of every sensation, and it wasn’t long before I was over the edge. I was on cloud nine until he reached his peak.

“Shit Andra.” He groaned out, and I froze under him. My eyes snapped open, and I realized his eyes were closed. Not in the throes of passion closed but still sleeping closed. He collapsed to my side. Cuddling me close, his breathing steady and even, I felt like dying. I slid from his embrace and grabbed my clothes before running back to my house.

I got straight in the shower and cried for hours, trying to scrub the dirty feeling from my skin. I didn’t sleep that night, and I looked like such shit that despite the multitude of family that had come for graduation, I convinced them that I didn’t need to go.

“You look awful,” Adair said, coming into my room the next day. He was still dressed in his cap and gown, so I knew he had just come from the ceremony.

He handed me my diploma and a small bouquet of tootsie pops. My favorite candy. I couldn’t even look him in the eye.

“Thanks.” I managed, and he sighed before climbing onto my bed and forcing me to look at him.

I flinched when he touched me, and he frowned.

“So last night wasn’t a joke. You meant what you said.” He said, and I sighed.

“I’m sorry. I’ve ruined everything.” I said, still not able to look him in the eye.

“Nothing is ruined. You are still my best friend. Hell, I can’t even say I’m surprised that you have felt like that for me. It was bound to happen, and I’m glad you told me. Granted, I wish you had done so privately.” He said.

“I wish I had too, but it’s not like it would have changed the outcome. I’m sorry I said anything. I should have kept it to myself. Your friendship is so important to me. I hate that I possibly jeopardized that.” I said, and he pulled me into a hug.

“Like I said, you are still my best friend. Will always be my best friend. I just don’t see you like that.” He said, and I laughed.

“Oh, trust me, I know. I mean, seriously, you fucked Andra right after I confessed to you.” I said, and he let me go.

“I’m sorry about that. I mean, I knew it was a shitty move, but it was a good way to keep up the rouse that it was just a prank while also letting you know what my feelings are. Honestly, I know this isn’t something that we can just forget, but I would like to try. I don’t want our relationship to change. It doesn’t have to change.” He said.

“Okay, I will try, but I think I need a little break. Some time to get over this very humiliating situation.” I said, and he smiled before moving off my bed.

“I understand but try to make it quick.” He said with a wink before leaving my room.

I groaned and fell back onto my bed. He had no idea how hard this was going to be for me. Not only was I in love with him, but I’d also lost my virginity to him in the most screwed-up way. I hid out for a week before my parents began to get suspicious, and I was forced to start interacting with people again. It was a little easier than I thought it would be. By the end of the summer, I was comfortable with Adair again.

“So, are you coming to my practice?” Adair asked one day a year later as we were studying in his room.

In high school, I’d come to almost all of his practices and his games since he’d been on a different schedule than my practices. In college, things were different. Most practices were closed, and I was usually in class or at my own practices. I also avoided going because watching practices was usually something reserved for girlfriends, and I had been very careful to avoid any speculation about our relationship this time around.

“I don’t know,” I said, and he frowned.

“I’ve already checked, and it’s not like you have classes or practice at that time.” He said.

“Why is it so important I show up to your practice? I mean, I come to all the games.” I sighed.

“Because I never realized how much you being there helps me focus. I mean, you have always been there.” He said.

“If you make it pro, I won’t be able to be there. This is good practice.” I said, and he laughed.

“If I make it pro?” He said.

I shrugged. “I’m not questioning your talent, but you know as well as I do that stuff happens.”

“Please, Mercy.” He begged, and I rolled my eyes.

“Fine! I will go, but just this once,” I said, and he smiled triumphantly.

We finished studying and went back to my own dorm before it got too late.

“How was your date?” Cara asked when I came in, and I rolled my eyes.

“You know it wasn’t a date,” I said, and she laughed.

“Denial isn’t just a river in Africa.” She said and turned back to doing her makeup.

Cara had refused to buy that Adair and I were just friends from day one. Even knowing that he was in a committed relationship with someone else.

“Who’s the lucky guy tonight?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Phil Jenkins.” She said, and I gaped at her.

Phil was one of the hottest guys on campus and notorious for his one-night-only rule. This would be their third date.

“So it’s getting serious?” I asked, and she shrugged.

“Oh, sweetie, don’t be such a romantic.” She said and stood to leave.

I went to the bathroom, and she was gone by the time I came back out.

I changed into pajamas and went to bed. I had a day full of classes and practice the next day.

***

I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, sitting in the stands away from the giggling chatter of the usual group of girlfriends and groupies. I watched as they ran drills and laps and more drills. Adair saw me in the stands and smiled, giving me a small wave. I shook my head and waved back, although I didn’t smile. His actions had drawn the attention of the girls below. They turned and stared at me, curiosity and even a little anger in a few of their glares. I was so glad when the coach blew the whistle signaling the end of practice.

I got up to leave, but Adair caught up to me and grabbed my arm.

“Hey, let me clean up, and then we can go eat.” He said, and I rolled my eyes.

“I have studying to do,” I said, and he shook his head.

“No excuses. Give me ten.” He said and jogged off towards the locker room.

I pulled out my phone and opened a game to play while I waited. Ten minutes came and went, and I decided I wasn’t going to wait for him. I was just about to leave when he came sauntering out of the locker room with a bunch of his teammates laughing and joking. A few of the guys peeled off to meet up with their girlfriends, but the majority of the group all headed towards me.

“Impatient as ever,” Adair said, throwing his arm over my shoulder.

“So, this is the infamous girlfriend.” One of the guys laughed, and I rolled my eyes.

“Not in this life,” I muttered to myself, but I knew Adair at least had heard because he dropped his arm from my shoulders and laughed nervously.

“Nah, this is Mercy. We’ve been best buds since diapers. She plays on the woman’s team.” He said, and I did my best not to cringe at his incredulous tone.

There was a kind of awkward silence before I spoke up.

“Right, so can we eat now. I really do have to study,” I said, turning my attention to Adair.

“Alright, alright. The guys and I decided on Sal’s. Is that okay with you?” He said, and I shrugged.

“Whatever, let's go,” I said, and he put his arm back over my shoulder, and we headed down the way to Sal’s. It was a popular burger joint with students at our school and was always crowded. Still, the team had their own special table, so it wasn’t long before we were seated and eating.

The guys talked shop while I focused on my food and tried not to think about Adair’s arm slung casually on the back of my chair. It wasn’t like it wasn’t something he had always done, but even a year after that fiasco of a confession night, I still hadn’t reconciled my feelings for him.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and at first, I ignored it, but then it kept buzzing, so I pulled it out. Don had texted and was now calling. He went to a nearby school. Close enough for us to meet up every once in a while but far enough that I didn’t see him every day like Adair. I stood from the table to take the call, but Adair grabbed my phone and frowned when he saw who it was.

Don and Adair had stopped being friends when Don and I had broken up in high school. They had even come to blows on occasion.

“I suggest you lose this number.” He answered the phone for me before hanging up and pulling me back down into my seat.

“Are you serious right now?” I asked him, and he glared at me.

“I could ask you the same thing.” He said.

“I know you think you are defending my honor or some shit, but honestly, this thing with Don has gotten way out of hand. You used to be friends too.” I said.

“Yeah, until he hurt you.” He said.

“That was like sophomore year of high school, and honestly, I wasn’t that hurt. He wanted something I wasn’t ready to give, so he found someone who would.” I said, and he rolled his eyes before frowning at me.

“Are you now?” He asked.

“What?”

“Are you giving him what he wants?” He asked.

“Seriously, that is none of your business.” I laughed.

“You promised.” He said.

“How are we still friends?” I asked, and he smirked.

“Because you love me.” He said, and I stood to leave.

I knew he didn’t mean it like that, but that didn’t mean it didn’t feel like an extra twist of the knife. I called Don back on my way out the door. He picked me up from my dorm, and we went to see a movie.

“So are you and Adair finally….” He trailed off, and I laughed.

“You of all people should know that is not how our relationship works,” I said, and he rolled his eyes.

“Look, I get that he isn’t a fan of me because of what happened sophomore year, but his anger level is way too high for him to only see you as a friend.” He said, and I shrugged.

“He does see me as more than a friend. He sees me as a sister.” I said.

Don laughed and shook his head.

“I don’t know who is more in denial, you or him,” Don said and turned his attention back to the movie.

“You know hanging out with me isn’t going to help Janice, trust you,” I told him as we left the theater.

Janice was Don’s on and off again girlfriend. She was super jealous and had complete meltdowns if a girl even smiled at Don.

“I think I’m done with her drama. I mean, I love the girl, but she keyed my car this last time.” He said, and I laughed.

“You do seem to attract the crazy ones,” I said.

“Right now, she’s super pissed. I think I’ll let her calm down before I drop the hammer on this one. No idea how she’s going to react.” He said, and I shook my head.

He pulled up to my dorm just as Adair and a few of his teammates were passing by. Don got out of the car and rushed to open the door for me. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

“I’ll see you around.” He said, turning on his full charm.

I knew he was only doing it to rile Adair up, and for once, I felt like playing along, but Adair was already pulling Don away from me.

“Adair, stop,” I said, putting myself between him and Don.

Adair’s fist was raised, ready to strike, and Don just smirked at him.

“Like a sister, you said,” Don said to me before laughing and getting into his car.

“I can’t believe you’re fucking that guy,” Adair said to me, and I slapped him before storming away to my dorm.

I cried myself to sleep that night and refused to talk to Adair for two weeks. Even after I started talking to him again, I kept him at arm’s length. I didn’t come to any more practices and even stopped going to his games. We studied together still, but I kept the conversation light and refused to talk about anything too personal. I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but on the inside, my world was chaos.

Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I needed to vent. I didn’t want it to get around campus, so I went to the only person I could think of, Don.

He hadn’t been expecting me, so he was in just his boxers as he answered the door. I fell against him, sobbing.

“I’m such a fucking idiot.” I cried, and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me inside.

We sat on his couch as he held me and cried. I told him everything. I told him about the party prank not being a prank. I told him about losing my virginity to Adair and the trauma of realizing that he had been asleep and dreaming about someone else the entire time. I told him how trying to get over my feelings had been failing miserably. He sat and listened but didn’t say a word. I fell asleep on his couch, and the next morning I woke up to coffee and a Danish waiting on the coffee table for me.

“You can’t tell anyone about what I told you,” I said as soon as he came into the front room, and he smirked.

“I’m an asshole, but not that much. Besides, you are one of my closest friends, and I wouldn’t betray you like that.” He said, and I smiled.

“Thank you. Not just for this but for being a good friend.” I said, and he smiled.

“You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need, but I have class in an hour.” He said, and I sighed.

“No, I have classes too, and midterms are coming up,” I said, and he nodded.

“I’ll drive you. I have enough time.” He said, and I nodded.

He drove me back and walked me to my door.

“I’m sorry.” He said, giving me a hug and a few tears fell from my eyes.

“You have no reason to apologize,” I said, and he shook his head.

“Just know I’m here for you.” He said and kissed my cheek before leaving.

Thankfully Cara was still sleeping when I walked in, so I hopped in the shower and got ready for morning practice. I pushed myself extra hard, using the burn of my muscles as a distraction from my emotional turmoil.

“Hey, Mercy! Is everything alright?” Freda asked, catching up to me after practice. I was friends with most of the girls on the team, but with everything that I’d been going through, I’d kind of isolated myself the past few weeks.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just had some personal stuff to deal with.” I said, and she smiled.

“Yeah, I heard you and that Adair guy were having a lovers quarrel or something.” She said, and I rolled my eyes.

“That is not true at all. Adair and I are just friends. We fight like brother and sister all the time.” I said, and she gave me a skeptical look.

“Oh! Well, I’ll try and squash any more rumors I hear.” She said, and I smiled.

“Thanks, that would be great. Besides, the last thing I need is Adair’s girlfriend catching wind of anything like that. She’s already super jealous of how close we are.” I said, and Freda nodded.

“So, are you going to join us tonight?” She asked.

For a second, I thought about begging off. Instead, I smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, I need a little fun after the week I just had,” I said.

She smiled before jogging off. The team liked to go out dancing once a month. Usually, on a week of heavy practice to help blow off steam in a fun way. I went on my way to my next class. Adair would be there, but I was surprised when he chose a seat away from me in class. We always sat together even during the week I wasn’t talking to him. He had insisted on sitting right next to me anyway. I tried to get his attention after class, but he ignored me and kept walking. Part of me wanted to chase him down to see what was up, but after the night I had, I just couldn’t handle any more stress or guilt from him.

That night I got all dressed up to go out and was grateful none of the other girls seemed interested in talking about what happened earlier in the week. We were just having fun together dancing when a few members of the men’s team showed up and invited themselves to the party. Adair was with them, but he kept his distance, and I tried not to let it bother me. I found a hot guy to dance with and tried to have fun, but with him hovering and glaring at me, I finally gave up.

I stalked right up to him and grabbed his arm before dragging him out of the club.

“What is your problem?” I asked, and he just glared at me for a moment.

“MY problem is that you don’t listen. I’ve done nothing but try and protect you, and you just throw it in my face.” He said, and I glared at him.

“Protect me? From what?” I asked, and he laughed.

“From Don! He has a girlfriend, and yet you still go running to his bed.” He said. This time I laughed.

“I’ve never lied to you, Adair, and I’m not going to start now. I have never had sex with Don. He is just my friend. We vent to each other and see movies but nothing else.” I said, and he frowned.

“Why would you need to vent to him when you can always vent to me.” He said, and I rolled my eyes.

“I can’t vent to you about you,” I said, and he gave me a weird look.

“So you’re telling that asshole my business.” He said angrily, and I shook my head.

“No, I tell him my business. When things you do confuse me or anger me. When I want to talk about boys and sex. Things that have been off-limits with us since that night.” I said, and he frowned.

“When I confuse or anger you?”

“I wish I could tell you that nothing has changed between us. That I’ve been able to move on, but I haven’t. I’ve tried so hard for things to go back to how they were. Nothing has worked. I still have those feelings for you, so yes, when you hold me close and kiss my forehead. I know it’s only innocent. That you don’t feel like that for me, but my heart still flutters. My imagination gets the better of me, and I go to Don to vent and get some perspective on things so I can face you the next day without feeling the knife twisting in my heart because the smile you give me isn’t for me. At least not like that.”

“Mercy.” He said, pity in his eyes.

I put a hand up to stop him from saying anything more. The tears are already there in my eyes, and my fun night was officially ruined. I walked away and headed to my dorm. I know I should have taken a cab, but I wanted to walk. Needed the fresh air and the time to get my head back on straight. I was just turning the corner when I was grabbed from behind. I didn’t even have time to react before everything went dark.

***

 I woke up with a sharp pain in my side and a killer headache. My face feels warm and puffy. I try to open my eyes, but one is swollen shut. The other opens just enough for me to see Adair sitting in a chair next to my hospital bed, praying.

I’m in the hospital for a few days. I’d been knocked out and beaten up, but most of my wounds were superficial and would heal in a few weeks. I had a concussion and a few cracked ribs and would have to sit out the rest of the season because of it. I was devastated. Don came to visit me once I was out of the hospital. He told me that it was Janice and a few of her friends who had attacked me. She’d seen me go into his place the night before and knew I’d stayed the night.

“I’m so sorry this happened.” He said, and I shook my head.

“You and those crazy girls. Honestly, I’m surprised I was attacked over you and not Adair.” I attempted to joke.

He chuckled nervously.

“Still, I should have known she was stalking me. I just didn’t know she was that crazy,” He said.

“It’s okay. Honestly, it is. She’s behind bars now.” I said.

He stayed a little longer but left when Adair showed up.

“What the hell did he want?” Adair said angrily, and I rolled my eyes.

“To apologize for his crazy ex. She was stalking him and thought I was his new girlfriend,” I said.

“I told you to stay away from him,” Adair said, and I rolled my eyes.

“Honestly, this could have happened with one of your crazy exes or groupies. Should I stay away from you too?” I said, and he glared at me before tossing me a bag of food.

“I brought you something from Sal’s.” He said and flopped down on the couch next to me.

He didn’t sit as close as he normally would have, nor did he put his arm around me. Part of me was grateful, but the other half was heartbroken. Once I was healed, things got a little crazy. I had court dates because of Don’s ex. Even though I couldn’t play, I was still technically on the team, so I had to go to all the practices and games. I had tons of work to make up for my hospital stay. I rarely got to see Adair anymore because his girlfriend had transferred to our school, and she wasn’t the biggest fan of mine either. Don had distanced himself from me because he felt guilty about what happened.

If it weren’t for Cara and the girls on the team, I would feel completely abandoned and overwhelmed.

“Come to the after-party tonight. It’s been way too long.” Freda said after the game. Not only had our team won but the men’s team had won their game as well. Practically the whole school would be celebrating, and frankly, I was a bit bored of watching Netflix in my room every weekend.

“Alright. I’ll see you guys there.” I said, and she smiled before jogging off. I have healed enough that walking was back to normal but jogging and even some twisting were painful.

I got back to the room and changed before heading back out. The party was already well underway when I arrived. Adair was there, of course, with his girlfriend, so I gave a brief wave but didn’t bother to go talk to him. The last thing I wanted to deal with was more girlfriend drama, so I kept moving until I found the girls. We talked and laughed, and I even drank a little before I was approached by an obviously drunk guy. He grabbed me and tried to kiss me, but I moved away as best I could.

He followed me through the party and was getting really obnoxious when Adair stepped in.

“I think the girl has made it clear she isn’t interested.” He snarled at the guy, and even though the guy was bigger than Adair, he looked about ready to piss his pants. He turned the other way and kept going.

“Thanks,” I said and went to leave, but Adair grabbed my arm.

“Are you okay?” He asked, and I rolled my eyes.

“I’m fine,” I said and headed towards the bathroom. He followed me, and I sighed when he locked the door behind us.

“This is an insanely bad idea,” I told him, and he shrugged.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” He said.

“Not you. You’re girlfriend.” I said.

“Andra. Her name is Andra.” He said, and I cringed.

“I know what her name is,” I said and felt like I wanted to throw up.

I hadn’t been able to stand hearing her name, let alone saying it, since that night.

“I know you to have never been friends, but it’s been years.” He said, and I couldn’t look at him.

“I told you there were certain things --- I just can’t,” I said and pushed passed him.

I opened the door only to run into the last person I wanted to have an encounter with that night. Of course, she was pissed and ready to fight.

“You stupid bitch!” She said and slapped me.

I wanted to hit her back, but instead, I turned to glare at Adair before pushing Andra out of my way and leaving the party

I wasn’t surprised by all the rumors floating around the next day. What little reputation I had at the school was now ruined. Adair tried to talk to me about it, but I refused to speak to him in public. After a few weeks, I’d had enough and decided it was better for me to just transfer schools. The only place I was accepted was an all-girl private school that didn’t even have a basketball team, so my sports dreams were pretty much shot. I kept in touch with Adair at first, but we eventually stopped talking. I only got updates through ESPN and on holidays from my parents.

“Ready to go?” Leo asked when I opened the door to my apartment.

“Almost,” I said, letting him in so I could grab my purse and a few last-minute additions.

Leo and I had been dating for almost a year now, and tonight we would be going to an informal business meeting. Leo wasn’t into sports, and so he was bringing me along as kind of a buffer for his lack of sports knowledge. He was trying to court the account of a major sports team owner and needed some common ground with the guy. I was glad to help, but part of me was nervous because this was the first time in years that I would be attending one of Adair’s games. Leo didn’t know about Adair other than we had grown up next door to each other. I had downplayed our friendship to the point of nonexistence. It wasn’t like it mattered now either way.

When we arrived, it turned out that bringing me might not have been the best idea. It became obvious within minutes that the owner had been more interested in courting a marriage partner for his daughter than putting his accounts in Leo’s firm. To make matters worse, after sensing that Leo had introduced me as a business associate. It wasn’t entirely a lie. We did meet because of business, but his easy dismissal of me was uncalled for. Luckily I had the game as a distraction as he poured on the charm. It was Leo’s ambitiousness that had drawn me to him, and now it was the very thing that repulsed me about him.

The game was close and very entertaining. Adair had played better tonight than he had all season leading his team to victory. The owner invited Leo to the after-party to celebrate, and I gladly offered to take a cab home so he could enjoy his night. I made my way from the box out into the crowds. Despite my better judgment, I went to catch a glimpse of Adair as the team went from the locker room to the bus. He looked good, bigger and more muscular since I last saw him in person. I cursed when his eyes fell on me, and my heart fluttered exactly how it used to years ago. I turned away and walked to the front, where thankfully, there were already a few cabs waiting.

I had just sat down on my couch with a tub of ice cream when my doorbell rang. The last person I expected to be standing at my door was Adair. He pulled me into a big bear hug as soon as the door opened.

“I knew you were there. I felt it.” He said, and I pulled away from him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, and he sighed.

“I know we haven’t talked in a long time, but that doesn’t mean I ever forgot about you. You will always be my best friend no matter what.” He said, and I laughed. I couldn’t help myself.

“I can’t be your friend Adair. Honestly, I can’t. I tried for years, and all it did was hurt me, seeing you with other girls. Being so close to you and yet not yours. I had to have therapy to even begin to get over you. I can’t let you back in.” I said, and he frowned.

“Mercy, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.” He began, but I crossed the room and kissed him.

He tensed for a moment before kissing me back. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he pulled me closer. I was naked under the big t-shirt I wore, and I knew exactly when he realized it. His hands froze on my bare ass, and he picked me up, carrying me to the couch. He lifted the shirt over my head, leaving me exposed to him. He kissed my mouth and my neck and then moved lower. Tasting my nipples tentatively at first before burying his face into my chest. A finger slid inside of me slowly as if he were testing my temperature, but as he got lost in me, his control slipped. His fingers thrust and curved as my hips bucked against his palm.

I was just about to reach my peak when memories of our first time came flooding back all at once. I instantly felt sick to my stomach and pushed away from him. I was just in time to make it to the bathroom before hurling.

“Mercy?” Adair said from the bathroom door.

“I’m fine,” I said after a few minutes. I rinsed my mouth and brushed my teeth quickly before opening the door.

Adair was leaning against the wall, concern etched all over his face. I suddenly felt too exposed in front of him and went to my closet to grab a robe.

“Do you want me to get you something?” He asked after a few moments of silence.

“I need to tell you something,” I said and motioned for him to come to sit next to me on the bed.

“Okay.” He said and sat down.

“The night of the party. When I first confessed my feelings for you. I came over to your place. You said you’d wanted to talk, and I saw that your room light was on. I assumed you were waiting up for me. When I got there, you were sleeping. Passed out from exhaustion, drinking maybe both. I don’t know, but anyway. I stripped you to your boxers and tucked you in like I used to do back then. Only this time, you woke up, or at least I thought you did. You pulled me into your bed. You kissed me and touched me. We had sex, and I didn’t even realize you were still asleep until you came. You called her name, not mine. The whole time you’d been dreaming of doing the things you did to me but to her. I was so embarrassed and traumatized that I never mentioned it to anyone. I tried to forget that it had happened, but every time you smiled at me, put your arm around me, and kissed my cheek. It was like reliving it all over again. It wasn’t until I confessed everything to Don that I realized how screwed up I was over you.” I said, and he just stared at me.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said, and I smiled sadly.

“Then don’t say anything. Just give me a better memory of us together.” I said and kissed him.

He didn’t hesitate this time, and I didn’t get sick. I just enjoyed the feeling of him loving my body and saying my name over and over again. We made love all night long and all the next day before he had to leave.

“Thank you for this, Adair. I don’t expect anything from you because of what happened. I just all I needed was this one night.” I said and closed the door before he could even answer.

Adair was on the road for the next few months, and by the time he got back in town, I had already moved. I’d accepted a new position overseas and would be living in France for the next three years. I thought I could forget Adair once I was there, but just my luck. Our one night together left me with a little present. I cried for days after finding out but finally pulled myself together. I was going to keep the baby. I still loved Adair despite everything, even knowing how unhealthy it was for me, but at least I had this baby.

“So when are you two getting married?” My mother asked gleefully when she arrived in France to be there for the birth of her grandchild.

I’d only told her who the father was because she wouldn’t stop pestering me and knew lying wouldn’t do any good.

“We aren’t. We have never been a couple, and honestly, I don’t think we ever can be.” I said, and she shook her head.

“Look, Erma and I have been planning your wedding since you came out of diapers. Sure, you’ve had some setbacks like most couples, but obviously, something was working; otherwise, this baby wouldn’t be about to enter this world.” She said, and I shook my head.

“He doesn’t love me. Not like that, and this baby was the product of one night of pity sex. I practically begged him to sleep with me so I could finally give up on this unhealthy obsession.” I said, and she frowned.

“So he knows how you feel?” She asked, and I nodded.

“He’s known since graduation. I wasn’t sick, Mom. I was heartbroken. We agreed to try and stay friends, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be that close to him and not be with him, so I left, and I put distance between us. I even got professional help to get over him, and yet all of that work went out the window the moment I saw him again. He came to catch up. To be my buddy again, I guilted him into my bed. I’ve lost enough pride in this. I can’t keep forcing myself into his life.” I said, sobbing.

“Oh, sweetheart. Why didn’t you come to me sooner with this?” She said, hugging me close.

“I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone to know how stupid and crazy I was or am for loving a man who would never love me back.” I said, and she gave me another squeeze, or at least I thought it was her squeezing me until the next contraction hit much stronger and definitely more painful.

My mom sensed the change in my sobbing and quickly moved me to the couch. My labor progressed much too quickly, and I ended up giving birth in my apartment before the paramedics could arrive. My little girl was perfect, and I instantly fell in love.

My mother stayed for two weeks but then I was on my own. I adjusted quickly, especially with the help of the nurse that was assigned to me that first month. Lilou was a happy little girl, and she thrived in the French culture. I extended my time there so she could at least pick up more of the French language before I returned home. We were both sad to leave, but I was a little happy to be back on American soil. Things felt so much different, and not all in a good way.

We had been back for a few months while I got everything settled with our new home and school for Lilou before we went to go visit my parents. Of course, they through a big welcome home party for us. I was worried that Lilou might be overwhelmed by all the new people, but she quickly took off with some cousins and neighborhood children around her age, so I was free to mingle and reconnect with some old friends. I was having a good time until Adair, and his parents arrived. My mother recognized my tension and pinched my arm.

“You need to have a talk with that boy and tell him everything before tonight is up.” She said sternly before putting on a big smile and greeting them like they didn’t still live just next door.

I followed after her. I didn’t have to pretend to be excited about seeing Adair’s parents. Even if I hadn’t kept in touch with him, I had surely kept in touch with them. They knew all about Lilou, just not that they were her real grandparents. I’d made my mom promise not to tell. Once I’d greeted them, Adair gave his parents a wink before dragging me off to my old room upstairs. He closed and locked the door behind us before pulling me into a soul-melting kiss.

“It’s been five long years Mercy, and I’m not letting you run this time.” He growled before pushing me onto the bed. I didn’t fight as he began to undress me. We made wild passionate love and, after, lay breathless in each other’s arms.

“Adair, this was a terrible idea.” I began, but he silenced me with a kiss.

“I was an idiot. I was young, stupid, and too blind to see that I’ve always loved you, Mercy. Not like a sister, but I really truly loved you. I’m sorry I caused you so much pain, and I promise you I will never hurt you again.” He said before reaching over to grab his pants.

He pulled a ring box out of his pants and showed it to me. The diamond inside was huge and totally fitting of Adair’s ego. He slid the ring onto my finger and kissed me again.

“I’m not taking no for an answer.” He said, using his hands to manipulate me until I was squirming in submission.

I could have stayed in bed with him all day, but the noise of the party and children’s laughter coming from the backyard made me finally pull free of him.

“You have no idea how much I have always wanted this, but I have more to think about now than I did before,” I said and tried to hand him the ring, but he wouldn’t take it.

“I know about Lilou. My parents told me when I came to visit last year. I don’t care if she isn’t mine. She is part of you, and I love everything about you.” He said, and I laughed.

I couldn’t help myself.

“Asshole. The only person I have ever been with is you.” I said, and he stood there for a moment, obviously trying to process what I was telling him before a big smile spread across his face, and he dragged me back into bed. I didn’t get up again until there was a soft knock on the door.

“Mercy, sweetheart. Lilou is asking for you.” My mother called, and I sighed before getting up and grabbing my clothes. I did my best to fix myself as quickly as I could while Adair did the same. My mom was standing there, all smiles, when I finally opened the door.

“I’m glad to see you two have worked things out.” She said before walking away. I shook my head and followed her.

Lilou was sitting on the back porch frowning until she saw me. She smiled and tackled me in a big hug.

“Mommy!” She squealed, and it was a big effort to get her to release me enough so that I could introduce her to Adair. She didn’t seem impressed by him at first, but after three long piggyback rides around the yard, she warmed up to him a bit more.

Things weren’t perfect between Adair and me. We still had our moments and our issues to work through, but he was an amazing father to Lilou and later Adair Jr.